sink or swim

I don’t feel like anyone is really rooting for me. 

I constantly show people how I care and love them. I say I’m proud of them. I plan surprises. I allot time for people every week, every day. But now I don’t feel welcomed. I feel like I am just floating here by myself. No one is showing up for me.  I’m not crossing people’s minds. No one is rooting for me. No one is really proud of me. 

Five years of living, was it really worth it? 

it has been almost five years

This past week, for a good ten minutes, I didn’t want to be here on this earth anymore, and in those ten minutes, I thought that all the work I’ve been putting in had gone to waste.

But I’m still trying to tell myself that progress is not linear. Sometimes, two steps forwards is followed by ten steps backwards, and I’ll have to mourn, cry, breathe, accept it, and see what I can do or control about it. 

I am still a good person. 

I do good things for people.

I am still trying my best to be my best. 

But I think I’m still trying to convince myself that I am still worth something in this world- that people care, I’m not forgotten, I cross people’s minds. But for now, I’ll give myself some grace and rest so i can continue to wake up tomorrow. 

you were home

And before, each time the weigh was a little too much and my heart and my breath got a little uneasy, I put my hand on your heart to remind me what it felt like to be grounded, in-sync, together. But now you are no longer within my reach and am unsure how to tell you how much my heart is aching and how much I am spiraling in this little hole of mine now that our hearts are no longer beating as one.

the war

I was standing so tall after taking four years to rebuild my walls to make sure that I didn’t crumble during the next battle, but here I am under my own mounds of dust and concrete, unable to breathe without the pressure crushing my every being.

Years were spent placing the bricks to give myself some grace, to forgive myself for the past, to let go of those who hurt me, to rekindle those I’ve left behind.

My troops were ready this time. Armed, trained, prepared. But if you’re telling me all of this is still not enough, well, we will lay here until death finds us.

it hasn’t been this bad in so long

On Monday, I was up at 3 in the morning and I felt like my three years of choosing living over dying didn’t really matter, and I was really torn. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. Which path did I want to choose for myself?

I wanted to call for help but I also didn’t at the same time. I called friends and immediately cancelled the call. And here I am still standing but my chest hurts with each breath I take and the rain cloud above my head is larger than it ever has been in the past couple of years.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

finally hit my quarter life crisis

I’m still trying to figure out what fulfills me. I have friends; I have hobbies. But I am still left unsatisfied. My friend asked me the other day if I have a “best friend” or a “go-to person” when it comes to conversation and doing things, and- I guess i don’t. And sometimes, I feel like that has been the problem ever since I was young. Every time I want to do something, travel somewhere, see a concert or movie, I always want someone to come with me because I love sharing experiences with people, but I don’t have friends who share the same interests as me and I feel like they only come with me because they feel bad that I don’t have anyone else.

And friendships have been hard. Relationships have been harder. And I’m trying to not take it personally because I think I do deserve good things in this life, but what am I suppose to do when I am standing on this world all alone with my friends just out of arms reach? I just want people to come to me instead of me always running to them.

I know I deserve something good in this world.

At least, I thought I did. 

I miss you, I’m sorry

in another universe
humankind has figured out
how to bottle up the stars in the sky
and allow love to illuminate
through the air.

in another universe
spirits speak in a language
only the kind can hear and
i see a little girl with hair like mine
discussing how freeing it is
to have the sunshine kiss her skin.

in another universe
we are laughing and smiling
filling our hearts with warmth
and all of our worries are
exhaled into the wind.

in another universe
it doesn’t matter how many stars are in the sky
or what the weather is outside
or what the spirits are saying
because i am with you,
and you are the kindest warmth.

in this universe
i sit (alone) by this café window
watching the spirits walking by
and sunshine kissing all other souls
but mine.

j.t. // “I miss you, I’m sorry”