I bang my head against the wall until my brain is damaged enough for me to see the darkness that I live in. I am forever searching for a way out and even though I am told repeatedly that it is okay, my mind refuses to admit to it.
I feel the air crushing my lungs; I can barely breathe. I want to change; I want to fix. But I’m so busy fixing that I’m forgetting to live. I want to explore. I want to go to places I’ve never been- those little shops selling shenanigans and used book stores- and ending the day watching the sunset over dessert and a glass of wine with someone who loves me just as much as I love them but, I can’t.
I cannot love or be loved because I damage those that reel me in, and I cannot do that. I cannot allow love for I am destruction. It would be selfish for me to put them through that. Everyone would be better off. Everyone… will be better off. Sigh.
I want so much, but I cannot. It’ll be better for everyone’s sake. I can’t do it, no matter how much I want to.
j.t. // “want, but out of reach”
The stars were never aligned for me. They would tell me in grade school to reach for the stars, but what if I didn’t see any to reach for? I knew they were suppose to shine, but I looked at the sky and they were always dull, practically invisible. Without anything to strive for, I kept on skating by.
Ten years later, and the clouds drown the sky. And as I travel to find the stars, sirens sound with each passing second. All I wanted was to grasp a little glimpse of peace. I’m tired of this. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of constantly trying to fix because all I want to do is live.
I want to live, I want to live.
But, gosh, living is so exhausting.
Do I even want to anymore?
j.t. // “the stars are dead and so am I”
You see, to her, this is an old record playing. She has been here before, and it always goes south, so she doesn’t think that this will work.
She will look at you with astonishment every time you do something as normal as holding the door for her or taking the heavy stuff that she has been holding. She will refuse your offer to drive her home. She will promise that it’s fine, but it isn’t because she’s pushing you away. She just doesn’t like the feeling of taking your time. She doesn’t really ask for help because she feels like she’s a bother and doesn’t want to come off as needy. Still, be there for her. Show her that you’re doing it because you truly want to, make her feel like she’s important. Show her you care.
She hasn’t learned how to vocalize her heartbeats yet. Most of the time, she will answer you with silence. She will say thank you but the truth is she is flowing with gratitude. Be patient with her. All her life, she’s been living in an empty room. She still doesn’t know how to deal with someone taking a space inside her heart. Let her know that it’s okay. She doesn’t need to hurry. She doesn’t need to unlock everything all at once. She doesn’t need to unveil all her stories in one night. She doesn’t need to let you in right away just because you knocked. Let her know that you’re willing to stand at the other side of the door until she’s ready to let you live inside her empty room.
You know that it hasn’t been easy for her. The past is a place that she still visits from time to time. The sound of hearts breaking has always been her lullaby. Every beautiful thing that she ever believed in turned out to be just carefully-crafted lies. You should prove to her that falling doesn’t mean that she has to end up broken. Tell her that she doesn’t need to burn just to make others warm. Show her that love doesn’t need to be a war just so she would win. She doesn’t need to conceal her feelings just so she would be brave. Love her so loud, she would feel courageous enough to play the rhythm of her own heartbeats.
When the right time comes, she will come through.
She will love you too.
j.t. // “how to love her”
I can’t keep going like this. I can’t go back.
Stop doing this.
j.t. // “I just want to stop thinking, forever”
I want to tell you about the sky that day, the day after you left and I woke up on my bedroom floor and stared out the window. I want to tell you that the sky still looked the same, the sky was still the sky, and it had not changed. There were 29 glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and I knew that because I counted them over and over all night. I want to tell you that I still brushed my teeth and showered that day. Everything was the same, even without you. The only thing different was that my heart was a bit sunken, my mind was a bit cloudy, and my being was a bit achy from the constant missing of you. Sigh, if everything is the same without you, how can this hurt so much?
j.t. // “the sky is still blue”
When we first got together, my emotional well-being towards relationships was pretty low. Yours, though, was pretty high up there. I felt like you could see that I was struggling, and you did all that you could to make my day. Little adventures to look forward to, things said to keep my mind off other things. And slowly, my emotional well-being and investment towards the relationship went up. Thank you so much for that. I had hope again. But… as I went up, yours went down. You didn’t seem to care as much; you became distant. And eventually, we reached a crossing point.
At that crossing point, I knew. I knew something was wrong. Either you were tired of me, or you were mad, or anyways, something was on your mind. Something was wrong and things changed between us. I wanted to bring things up when we were at this crossing point, but I thought things would get better. Maybe time would heal things, maybe it was just a phase and I was overreacting. But, this was how all my relationships ended up. I could feel it. I felt your diminish.
At this crossing point, you continued to decline in your emotional investment, and in the end, we ended up switching spots. I’m sorry that this happened, but no, I’m not mad. I wish I could’ve prevented it. I don’t know if I did anything wrong, and if I did, I’m sorry. I just hope your emotional well-being rises again soon.
j.t. // “crossing point”
And I guess I wonder, did I even matter to you?
How come I wasn’t good enough?
Did I do something?
What’s the real reason we ended?
How did we even end up here?
I miss talking to you. I just want to know how your day was. I want to know what’s on your mind. There are so many things I want to show you and so many things I want to say.
Gosh, I miss my best friend.
j.t. // “anxiety’s eating at me”